Diablo 2: A run through the game
by hernz
Summary: A run through Diablo 2, one of the most addictive games I've ever played... and still do... after.. what? 9 years now? When did this thing come out again? Oh well, whatever. Enjoy!
1. Default Chapter

**Chapter 1: Installation**  
  
System: Please insert CD 1  
  
Player: Ok! Oh man! Preordering this collector's edition with cool cinematics bonus DVD 3 months in advance and skipping classes is sooooo gonna be worth it! But I guess I'll wait on the cinematics until I beat the game...  
  
System: Chunk chunk chunk... Please insert CD 2.  
  
Player: Done and Done!  
  
System: Chunk chunk chunk... Please insert CD 3.  
  
Player: Almost done...  
  
System: Chunk chunk chunk... Please insert CD 1.  
  
Player: Here I com..? Um, alright, if you insist.  
  
System: Chunk chunk chunk... Congratulations!  
  
Player: Ok, now for the damn expansion.

System: Please insert expansion CD.  
  
Player: Alright, here you go...  
  
System: Chunk chunk chunk... Please insert CD 1.  
  
Player: What? But I already put that away... why would that be necessary... ok, guess they need to check you actually have the original CD... alright, here you go.  
  
System: Chunk chunk chunk...  
  
Player: What the hell is it copying? Why the hell would the original have data for the expansion? WTF?

System: Please insert expansion CD.  
  
Player: Alright! About time... PLAY!  
  
System: NO! Please insert CD 2, then follow with the expansion CD, and finally the OS CD.

Player: What? Again? What the hell is this? Grrr... Fine! Stupid super tight security measures... Figures that 2 super long CD key aren't enough to provide protection... bastards...  
  
System: Thank you, would you like to upgrade? It is recommended you do so, since our product, like most other overly-anticipated sequels, was rushed to the stores, forcing us to release patch 1.06... wait... now 1.07, in order to hide some undesired... "features".  
  
Player: ...BUT IT CAME OUT THIS MORNING!!... sigh... fine...


	2. It Begins!

**Chapter 2: It Begins!**  
  
_(A few hours, reboots, and video card calibrations later)_  
  
Player: Finally! Cool cool, nice intro, awesome, alright, let's see... who to chose... well, it's obvious who the best choice is, the one with the most skill: Hot babe with the boobs! AWWWRIIIIIIGHT!  
  
Game: Enter a name for your Amazon.  
  
Player: Let's see... what's a good name... I KNOW! Ice Queen!  
  
Game: Loading...  
  
Player: Alright, let's see how this crappy voodoo 2 handles the game...  
  
Game: (I love your video card! 3dfx ROCKS! Here is a nice constant 40 fps at the highest possible resolution, enjoy the game, my master).  
  
Player: Holy shit! This runs awesome! Alright, let's see. Oh, configure keys... alright, no idea what that command is, no idea why that other one would be useful... why would someone need over a dozen hotkeys... ok... whatever, I'll just configure them when I need them.  
  
Old Man: "Talk to me"... "PLEASE?"... I have a freakin' exclamation point on my head, why won't he talk to me?  
  
Player: I guess I should talk to that guy, he seems desperate.  
  
Old Man: "My name is -", hey don't skip my scrolling text!... "Hi, thanks for talking to me..." "....what? No, that's all I have to say, thanks again".  
  
Player: Hm... figures... useless idiot... Maybe that old lady over there, she seems to have something interesting to say.  
  
Old Lady: "There is trouble about, go kill things and I'll give you some sort of Reward!"  
  
Player: What if I don't want to?  
  
Old Lady: That's all there is to do in the game... go kill things...  
  
Player: Oh... well, I guess senseless killing could be fun, let's go! Hm, but first, let's talk to the armorsmith, he might have some cool weapons.  
  
Armorsmith: "Hi, I have boobs too! Yeah, take that! Oh, and my name is C-"  
  
Player: Whatever, bitch, let me see your junk.  
  
Armorsmith: Well, you don't have money to buy anything good...  
  
Player: Screw you bitch. I'm gonna go kill now. You lucky I can't kill you... (player makes fist and threatens with it)  
  
_(Player sets out into the world with his sexy, scantly clad babe wielding nothing but her guts and 2 huge golden globes)_


	3. Act 1

**Chapter 3: Act 1**  
  
Player: Kill kill kill, all day long, kill kill kill while I sing this song. Alright! "random" dungeon... kill some more...  
_  
__(Player goes through a lot of senseless killing, and eventually bumps into the burial grounds)_  
  
Player: YES! Another quest! Easy as 1, 2, th-...  
  
_(Player gets shot by an arrow from the middle of the map and dies)_  
  
Player: WHAT? What the hell was that? Grrr... now I have to go all the way back... Ack! I don't have my items? Oh GOD! This sucks!  
  
Armorsmith: "Good-"  
  
Player: Shuddap bitch, I need some new stuff. Well, there goes all my money. All those hours collecting arrows and broken gloves to make money and now it's all gone.  
  
_(Player makes his way back to the burial grounds, and dies again)  
_  
Player: That bitch is tough! Sexy, but tough. Man, the game hasn't prepared me for this... but I need to finish the quest to proceed in the game.  
  
_(Little does he know he doesn't)  
_  
_(Player manages to find some javelins that do a shitload of damage when thrown, and kills the bitch in 3 shots)  
_  
Player: Wow, javelins rock!  
  
_(Little does he know, they don't... at least not until level 30, and then only for amazons who have chosen to pump point after point in that one good lightning skill)_  
  
Player: Alright, she dropped some nice shit! Hey, there's my dead body! Cool! Alright, back to town.  
  
Old Lady: "Hel-"  
  
Player: Shuddap and gimme some ID scrolls... let's see... not bad not bad, some decent stuff... alright, now where to next?  
  
Sexy Character: "Hi, thank you for killing that bitch. For that, you get your own friend to accompany you wherever you go." whisper "P.S. I think she is a lesbian".  
  
Player: YES! This rocks! 


	4. Chapter 4

Diablo 2

**Chapter 4: Act 1 - Cain**

**Player:** Kill kill kill, all day long, kill kill kill while I sing this song.

_(Players hasn't actually gotten to kill anything; it's all been the sexy archer companion)_

_(Player goes through a lot more senseless killing, and eventually bumps into a group of stones)_

**Player:** Well, this seems like an obvious quest... can't seem to do anything though... well, keep on killin'!

_(Player eventually makes it through some cave and runs into a big tree)_

**Player:** Phew... those things almost kicked my ass... what kind of radiocative monkeys were those? What's this? A book fell... well, I don't know what this is, but its name is in gold, so it must be a quest item... let's go get a reward!

_(Back in town...)_

**Player:** Ok, one of you must have a stupid exclamation point over your heads... where the hell are you?  
**Old Lady:** "MEMEMEMEMEMEME!"

**Player:** And the reward is... what? I have to backtrack now? OOOhhh... that's what those stones were for... nice, we get to rescue Cain from the original Diablo! Cool... Ok, not THAT cool, but at least there's some story starting to develop.

_(Player goes back to the ruins, and after 5 minutes of touching the rocks, finally gets them to open up a stupid portal)_

**Cain:** "Help! Get me out of here!"  
**Player:** Alright already, just let me kill Griswold first

_(Weird curse pops over player's head, and one shot kills him)_

**Player:** GRRRRR! stupid Cain... all his fault... mumble mumble.

_(Player goes back, rescues Cain and runs back to town as Griswold approaches again)_

**Cain:** "Thank you my friend. You now have no need for ID scrolls".  
**Player:** Tighto!  
**Cain:** "Now you have to go and kill Andariel, the Act Boss! (well, I'll tell you that after you go and fetch some stupid hammer for the armor bitch). Oh, and the old lady has a shitty ring if you go talk to her... what a shitty reward if I do say so myself."  
**Player:** Whatever, I'm going after the boss! Me and my trusted hireling kick ASS!... except for Grissy... stupid idiot...


	5. Chapter 5

Diablo 2

**Chapter 5: Act 1 - Andariel!**

**Player:** Oh! Whomever this Countess was, she dropped a piece of Spanish History! I got "EL" Rune. Whatever this thing is, I hope it doesn't break into a Salsa song. _("El" means "The")_

_(Player goes through a lot of senseless killing, and kills the Smith.)_

**Player:** That hammer quest sucked... I get this stupid yellow item that sucks balls...

_(Player didn't save the quest reward for later, cause he be a noob)_  
_(Player goes through a lot more senseless killing, and finally reaches Andariel.)_

**Player:** OH! BOSS time! Let's see what this Andariel boss is all about!

_(Player sees a lone green shot come his way and hit him...)_

**Player:** OH! The screen turned green! Maybe I get to fight the Incredible Hulk! Diablo 2 rocks! Unlike that stupid Hulk ride in Orlando... man that sucked.

_(While player mumbles on and on about how he hates rollercoasters and how he can make better ones in Rollercoaster Tycoon, and how hotdogs cost too freakin' much, his health slowly depletes.)_

**Player:** AAAHHHH! What the hell? That's... POISON! Drink Drink Drink! AAHHHHHH!

_(Player sees Andariel... and is about to run away...)_

**Player:** BOOOOOBS! Holy crap, she has chains chained to her nipples! Holy Shit, I just died! Got to... keep... looking... Is she all nude? Can't tell from this angle... OH, she's walking away... hey, nice ass!

_(Player eventually decides to stop looking and go get his corpse.)_

**Player:** Oh man, I have to run the entire way back? Stupid waypoint couldn't possibly be further... grrr

_(Player finally gets back and learns (the hard way) to always open up a stupid town portal with bosses)_

**Player:** Goddamit, you stupid hireling... you suck! Can't even take a little poison damage... well, I'm on my own against SpiderBoobs!

_(After some time, Andariel dies and leaves some treasure behind.)_

**Player:** OH! Another piece of the Spanish puzzle! She dropped a "TAL" rune! Paying attention in Spanish class payed off! I'm on to you Diablo! _("Tal" means "Such")_

_(Back in town...)_

**Player:** Ok, all set here. On to act 2! Yay!


	6. Chapter 6

Diablo 2

**Chapter 6: Act 2 - The Horadric Cube**

**Player:** That was a pretty nice movie... I'm following Diablo! Gonna kick his ass, that I will!

**Player:** Oh, I can get some new armor here! Finally! Let's see... what the hell? You repair armor, AND heal? You are Charsi and that old lady combined, AND you are sexier than Charsi! Man, I'm gonna love this Act 2!

_(Looks through all the armor, buys one.)_

**Player:** ...Where did my boobs go? ... This armor shrinks my boobs? Oh forget this, I'm keeping the old shitty armor... who'd want to flatten their boobs... no way!

**Player:** Oh, new hireling... yeah, I'm sorry sexy, but you just suck! Oh, Emilio! He must be hispanic, which can only mean one thing: He's gonna steal my wallet and my precious Spanish runes... forget it. Let's see, Mohammed... nah, he'll just go and kill himself, that's no good. Ah ha! Azreal. Can't go wrong with a name. He captured lots of Smurfs if I recall correctly. You're hired!

**Player:** Ok, time for these sewers here...

_(Player kills his way to the last floor of the sewers and kills Radamant, then jumps for joy at the freebie skill point and set item he finds.)_

**Player:** Nice! I've never seen a green belt before! Oh, it's called Death's Guard! Oh, and it has "Cannot be Frozen"! YES! Screw you ice mages!

_(Player goes back to town and Cain seems excited to talk to him... AGAIN! Sheesh, this guy's worse than a woman...)_

**Player:** Ok... Something about some cube... the Game Cube? Oh man, maybe I can get some minigames... boy I could use a little Tetris right now... ok, on to the hunt!

_(Lots of killing later)_

**Player:** Um.. this is just some stupid box... Other than its shape, there is no resemblance here to the GamKu whatsoever! What's that Cain? I can combine arrows to make bolts in here? REALLY? So I can go and buy 3 sets of arrows, and then make some bolts! ...why not just buy the stupid bolts in the first place? Saves me some time and money... this sucks! No, you know what, YOU suck Cain.

_(Little does he know he can transmute all those stupid chipped gems that fill up his inventory.)_

_(Act 2 is actually pretty passive... won't notice you played it... Ok, maybe I just have no material for this act, ok? Screw you! I'm just gonna skip to the end where you get to Duriel... ok, fine, the stupid Summoner, THEN Duriel.)_

**Player:** That's it? I just got one shot on him and he died? What the hell kind of summoner is that? I had more trouble killing stupid maggots than I did with this pussy of a sub-boss! And I thought I would see something like Bahamut be summoned by the SUMMONER.. but nooo... he just cast stupid Ice spells which I'm like immune to due to my awesome green belt of DEATH!

_(Player eventually makes it into the right tomb)_

**Player:** Man, finally! I went to all the wrong tombs... started to feel like stupid Mario Bros. again...  
**Player:** Ok, well, Cain said I have to transmute this stupid staff and amulet... man I hate saying bye to such a good amulet... sigh... back to using my stupid +2 to light radius...

_(Player transmutes, and puts the staff in the slot)._

**Player:** Ok, time for the next boss... Duriel won't kill me like SpiderBoobs did; he doesn't have boobs... At least I hope he doesn't... I don't know how to fight man-boobs...

_(Player jumps into mysterious hole and before he knows it, some large, stupid looking creature rams his ass against the wall.)_

**Player:** Aaaahhh! Why the hell am I frozen? I have this belt that clearly says I can't be! Piece of shit belt of thousand lies... deceive me for an entire act and now show your true self against a boss? I'm gonna sell you when I get out of here... and to the old lady from Act 1! HA! Take THAT!... oh, shit, this bitch is tough... stupid Duriel... CHAAARRRRGGGEEEE!

_(9 town portals, 72 potions, and 52,394 gold pieces later...)_

**Player:** BITCH! All that and all you drop is a fing id scroll?

_(The words coming out of Player's mouth for the next 2 minutes have been censored, but would sound something like "I'm upset with you, Duriel. I spent much in resources, and now I am broke and can't resurrect my helpful and greatly appreciated hireling. Better rewards have come my way from the sky as birds fly by. I hope you live a more peaceful life in heaven.")_  
_(Player makes his way to act 3, but not before having to talk to three people in a specific order, and selling that stupid green belt of treachery.)_


	7. Chapter 7 Act 3 All of it!

Diablo 2

**Chapter 7: Act 3 - All of it**

**Player:** Oh man, these between-act movies keep getting cooler and cooler! Diablo here I come!

_(Player starts talking to random people in town...)_

**Old Man:** You now speak to Ormus. Ormus sells you things. Ormus heals you. Ormus loves you.

**Player:** You now are a faggot! Dude, you are an idiot. Who taught you how to speak, huh? Yoda? Hm... this is a swamp area... OMG! I can probably FIND Yoda!

_(After looking around some...)_

**Player:** Ok, no Yoda, but 2 sexy bitches... hm... 2 sexy bitches or a decrepit old green puppet... Blizzard, you made the right choice. Well, time to go and see what new fantastic enemies there are to face!

_(Player goes out, and is pissed at not being able to hit the wanderer, but soon forgets about that as he starts getting pissed at the stupid flayers)_

**Player:** Goddamit! What the hell? There's like a million of these bitches... when the hell am I gonna get out of this stupid jungle? Ok, well, according to Cain, I have to go and find a brain, eye and heart... God this better not be another one of his sushi recipies for that stupid Hodrara.. horadrdra... cube... fine, I'll just call it cube... it better not be a stupid sushi recipe for the cube. At least I'm not out to find cut-off male genetalia... last thing I want is someone else's penis in my pocket... man, there would be no end to the gay jokes then...

_(Player goes to the Spider Cavern, finds one of the three items, and then goes to the Flayer Dungeon)_

**Player:** WAAAAAHHH! They have exploding flayers here... waaahhhh! goddamit... if it weren't bad enough to be swamped by them, if I kill them, BAM, they blow me the hell up... that's not a fair enemy at all... waaaahhhh!

_(After a scary date with the Flayer Dungeon, Player makes his way out with the next sushi piece)._

**Player:** Phew... finally done with those bastards... I never want to see them again. Now, where are these "sewers"?

_(Little does he know that the sewers not only have those suicide flayers, but they also have mummies reviving them... really, that is not fair! Did they really need to have these bastards in the game? C'mon!)_

**Player:** AAHHHHHH! That's ENOUGH! If I have to face one more of those cheap sons of bitches I'm gonna throw this game out the window... aawww, but then I'd end up jumping out to fetch it... damn you Blizzard for this video game drug! Damn you!

_(Player manages to get all the pieces, kills the Council, gets the flail, transmutes everything and makes a stupid flail and smashes the orb)_

**Player:** Finally, I was running out of room in my stash... ok, well, only one more waypoint to find... that can't possibly be that bad...

**Player:** Mother F'ing...! Why Diablo, why? I thought we agreed to no more blowy up guys... you are the first game to make me cry... I don't think I know you anymore... you are so mean!

_(Player eventually stops whinning like a little bitch and makes his way to Mephisto)_

**Player:** What? The goddam council again! BITCHES! KILL! huff puff... all done... now it's just Mephisto...

_(Player finally gets the hell out of Act 3. Mephisto was a pussy, and dropped a rune)_

**Player:** Sol? Oh, you are making this waaaayyy too easy. Sol means "sun"... I am soo close to solving this puzzle... just you wait Diablo! Unfortunately the rest of the shit he dropped was... shit... Well, on to Act 4!

_(Ok, so this Chapter was not so funny, but that's cause it sucks! In case you didn't notice, I am Player, and I hate those goddam exploding Flayers! But worry not, I... I mean, Player had a few jamming sessions with Ormus, and they came up with this great rap: ...ok, fine, I lied, there is no rap! Goddamit this act really sucked... I apologize for the inconvenience)_


	8. Chapter 8 Diablo

Diablo 2

**Chapter 8: Act 4 - Diablo**

**Player:** OMG that FMV was TIGHTO NO JEANSU!

_(Player has recently been listening to some gay J-pop and there is this one line there about "tight jeans" - tighto no jeansu. For some reason, this has replaced his old TIGHTO! - a peek at the author's messed up mind)_

**Player:** Oh my GOD! There is a sweet Archangel in this place! Finally some REAL protection... I mean really, who would you rather defend your stronghold: 4 stupid archers, a few spear wielding Arabians, whatever those gay mages were in act 3, or an ARCHANGEL! Oh man, this rocks! ...but there's only 2 other people here? Ok, this can only mean one of two things: either these two are the bravest souls on earth, or they are here because they are retarded. Well, she's doodling in the air, and the other guy is hitting some invisible object with his toy hammer... something tells me courage is not the reason... Well, I have to destroy this piece of petrified poo that Mephisto dropped, so I better get going.

_(Player goes around killing and eventually runs into Izual)_

**Player:** Oh, a miniboss, he will be no match for me! Attaaaack!

_(A few minutes later)_

**Player:** Keep attacking my awesome hireling!

_(A lot more minutes later)_

**Player:** Ok, now why are you still up? Jesus Christ! I mean, not that I mind, since you aren't doing any damage to me, but how many hit points can you possibly have?

_(Player notices that Izual is just attacking his hireling and failing to do any damage. He sets a heavy glass on the right mouse button and goes take a piss)_

**Player:** Ok, now where were we. Oh right... still alive... bastard...

_(Some immeasurable amount of time later)_

**Player:** FINALLY! Oh, man, Izual was a fallen angel, cooooool. TIGHTO NO JEANSU! Wow, I get two free skill points? TIGHTO NO...

_(Slap from girlfriend... he somehow has one)_

**Player:** Ok, ok, just TIGHTO... jeez...

_(Some more killing goes on...)_

**Player:** Jesus, where the hell is the waypoint? No wonder there's only 3 in this act, they just got lazy... and one of them is town, so that's like... only 2... wait, I just made a great pun! Where the hell, and I'm in Hell... man, I am such an amazingly funny guy... yeah...

_(LOSER!)_

**Player:** Ok, so I suddenly found both waypoints within minutes of each other... but they couldn't give me one before... bastards... ok, well, time to smash this soulstone...

_(Makes his way to The Forge!)_

**Player:** Wait, was that the Smith from act 1? Are they starting to re-use minibosses? Whatever, let's see what happens here...

_(SMASH!)_

**Player:** Wow, 3 perfect gems and an Ith rune... what the hell does ith mean? Man, I should have paid more attention in Spanish... or maybe this is German!

_(Ith is not German. Player is a moron who listens to Rammstein and therefore thinks he has the language mastered. In any case, more senseless killing.)_

**Player:** Ok, all these minions are no match for me! Strafe Strafe Strafe! Man, it's good to finally reach a level with some useful skills. Now on to the final seal...

_(Lights go all bloody red)_

**Diablo:** Not even DEATH can save you from ME!

**Player:** We shall see about that! Hireling, let's go! Guided Arrow be my SAVIOR!

_(Now unlike most of the other classes, the boobazon has a pretty easy time against him in normal. Her hireling will die, regardless, but she will laugh as she plucks arrow after arrow into Diablo's ass)_

**Player:** HAHAHA I laugh at you while I pluck arrow after arrow into your ass!

_(See? ...Eventually Big D dies and drops a MAL rune! Yeah, I know, I never saw one drop either, but for the sake of this stupid chapter, he will)_

**Player:** More Spanish History! YEAH! I beat the game!

_(Expansion says you don't. Oh and Mal means "bad/evil" depending on sentence content)_


	9. Chapter 9 The End of Single Player

Diablo 2

**Chapter 9: Act 5 - The End of Single Player**

**Old Lady:** Salutations.

**Player:** Salu what? Why the hell can't you just say hello, or hi, like a normal person? Weirdo.

**Nihlathak:** Another stupid adventurer. I'll kill you later! I mean... um, yeah, you can gamble some here.

**Player:** Ok, enough of these stupid characters, I'm gonna go kill some shit.

_(Player gets massive slowdown as he finishes the first quest and all those catapults shoot at him where he killed Shank. Player then learns about rune words after saving some faggots who couldn't break cells made out of bamboo)_

**Player:** AHA! That makes perfect sense! Now if I make the sentence "El Sol Tal Mal" which means "The sun is such Evil" and put that into this Armor... AHA... a... um... what the hell is this? This sucks! It didn't make anything? And I can't even use it! I knew it... Spanish sucks... goddamit... Well, at least it sells for 25,000 gold... piece of shoe... Let's hope the next thing doesn't suck.

_(Player rescues some bitch in an ice river, who, like Cain, teleports away and does not even ask if Player wanted to come along.)_

**Player:** Well, I didn't want to go with you anyway. You suck!

**Old Lady:** I'll give you a scroll of resist all +10 PERMANENT.

**Player:** TIGHTO!

**Anya:** Here's a special weapon just for you!

**Player:** A Pike? Did you fail to notice that I am shooting arrows all over the place? Did you not read the last chapter where I shot arrow after arrow at Diablo's ass? What the hell am I going to do with this piece of shit? You want to know how crappy it is? I can't even buy one lousy mana potion from the old lady with the money I get selling this... what the hell... why can't you be like the old lady? What? You have a quest for me now? Ok, I'll only do it cause I hate that Nij... whatever the hell his name is... he made fun of me. Besides, he seemed like a wimp.

_(Little does he know that a wimp can still cast Corpse Explosion)._

**Player:** AAAHHH! He blew me the hell up! I can't believe it... Diablo couldn't kill me, but this bitch just blew that guy on the ground and killed me! WTF!

_(BOOOM!)_

**Player:** ARRRGGGGHHHHH!

_(BOOM!)_

**Player:** Why that son of a bitch... I haven't died since those fetishes in act 3... I finally thought I was invincible, and you go and ruin that for me... oh, you are going to get it!

_(Player eventually kills him, and returns for his just reward)_

**Player:** What did you say?

**Anya:** I said, I will put your name on any item you wish.

**Player:** So you will put my name on any item, and add superpowers?

**Anya:** Just your name.

**Player:** ...

_(Slap!)_

**Player:** That's the last time I do ANYTHING for you... I'm gonna go kill some idiots and pretend they are you now. Take THAT!

_(Twirly Twirly, Jumpy Jumpy, Throwy Throwy...)_

**Player:** Who the hell are these three morons? I'll be right back with more potions... What the hell? Where did they go? Is the quest over? Did my hireling kill them with his mighty Prayer Aura? What the hell?

_(Player eventually figures out that he can't open a town portal during the fight... The Ancients are afraid of blue ovals...)_

**Player:** WOOOOOO! They gave me a whole level worth of experience! Only a few more kills and I level again! Well, let's see what this Valkyre skill is all about.

_(Needless to say, Player is super happy to have a sexy partner again! Player goes to try her out and levels again)_

**Player:** Holy Shit! I can now carry 800,000 in my stash? For the past 30 levels I only got up to 200,000 and now I have 800! It's about time... I was starting to get sick of pooping gold... that can't be healthy... Now, Baal, you are next!

_(Player gets to Baal's last minions)_

**Player:** Man, that is cool how they make them spawn... But I hate how that stupid Council came back to life yet once AGAIN! They're like some horrible rash. Jesus. Well, let's see who comes after the bat-wing demons... What the hell? Did the game just freeze? No, not before Baal! Why? NOOOOOooooo... oh, it's back... what the hell was that?

_(Honestly, "loading" the sprites for those minions on a 2.8 GHz monster should not do this... pathetic.. but anyway...)_

**Player:** Man, these guys are TOUGH! It's like having to kill Izual 8 times! But finally, on to Baal? Hm... hopefully he won't be immune to my deadly arrows as he was just now sitting there casting decrepify on my poor hireling.

_(A few guided arrows later)_

**Player:** That was disappointing... Diablo at least looked threatening... Baal looked like some lunatic clown you'd slap around and send back to his nursing home... Well time for the last FMV.

_(Player watches awesome FMV where he is told that he failed anyway cause Baal corrupted the worldstone and gets stupid Title of Slayer)_

**Player:** Um... Slayer Ice Queen? It doesn't fit... why the hell can't I have a better title, like "Sexy" or "Delicious"... mmmm... delicious... yummy... Sigh Well, I think I've had my fun with single player... time to see what this Battle dot net is all about...


	10. Chapter 10 Battle dot net

Diablo 2

**Chapter 10: Battle dot net**

**System:** Please wait while we fill this hourglass with diabolic blood.  
**Player:** Another patch... what a surprise... maybe they'll fix that problem where the amazon loses her boobs when she equips those heavy metal armors...  
**System:** Update com... wait... ok, now it's complete. Please enter a name for your character.  
**Player:** Alright, time to rock Battle dot net and make everyone fear the name Ice Queen!  
**System:** Sorry, that character cannot play on battle dot net. You need a new character.  
**Player:** What? But all those hours of leveling! And I like my Tiara that I found... shows my sexy blonde hair... Fine, I'll make a new Boobazon and call her Ice Queen!  
**System:** Sorry, that name is taken.  
**Player:** Yeah, I guess it is a really cool name, I really can't blame anyone for taking that name already. Let's see... Luna!  
**System:** Sorry, that one is also taken.  
**Player:** Ok, yeah, I guess that's a popular name too... Storm!  
**System:** ...also taken...  
**Player:** Fine, I guess everyone likes the X-MEN... A-ha! Ice Storm... waah? Queen of Ice? Arrow of Death? Deadly Arrow? Cold Nipples? Nipple Queen? Boobies? SuperBoobs? Boobazon?  
**System:** Taken, taken, taken, taken... TAKEN!  
**Player:** Blizzard Sucks!  
**System:** Taken.  
_(Player smashes the keyboard)_  
**System:** Taken.  
**Player:** WHHHAAAATTT?

_(This is a true life story... Player's first keyboard mash was taken... sad, yes)_

_(Player mashes the keyboard again)_

**System:** Welcome to Battle dot net, Qnosekdisw!  
**Player:** This sucks! Fine, screw the sexy bitch (oh my!). It's about time I pick a different character anyway, and since I can't think of a girl name, I'll be forced to play a guy... Let's try a Paladin! Paladins rock in D&D!

_(Um... what aspect of them rocks? The fact that they can cure disease 7 times per week? What the hell are you talking about?)_

**Player:** Now it's a naming game. Wolverine!  
**System:** Taken.  
**Player:** Oh, but I really like Wolverine! Weapon X? Awwww... fine, Cyclops...  
**System:** Welcome to Battle dot net, Cyclops!  
**Player:** Figures... no one else likes him either...

_(Finally, in the chat rooms...)_

**WolverineXXX:** Hey Losers.  
**zzZWolverineZzz:** Yeah, noobs!  
**xxWolverinexx:** SOJ 4 40 chips!  
**xxWeaponXxx:** Buy SOJs through Paypal here!  
**Player:** And I got Cyclops... Well, who needs to chat anyway... multiplayer, here I come!


End file.
